A dying man’s last words.

A sigh of relief!

As for that last post, I really wish that those excuses worked! haha

I made it through the week!

I will now do a review of the past couple weeks with headcovering. I never knew that I would love it this much. Whenever I think about my covering I see it as a part of me. As if I was always meant to do this. I’m not sure how to explain it.

I really have no desire to wear jewelry (I thought I would NEVER-EVER-EVER say that) , besides my purity ring, but I have a feeling my fingers are going to get to teeny for me to wear it anymore. When you loose weight, everything shrinks!

The Word of God has become more alive to me. I am reading the same things I have read before but now they mean more to me.  I have this feeling that they are alive and real in a new way. Which is also difficult to explain.

Much to my surprise I haven’t gotten a negative response to my covering yet- besides a few “You look like a __fill in the blank__!”

During prayer I feel like I am talking to God not just saying words I feel closer to Him. I feel His peace and His love.

This is more exciting and fufilling than I thought it would be.

Someone told me that I have narrowed my “selection” of guys down. Truth be told that is completly okay with me. I can only marry one person so why should I worry about others? Whoever God has for me I am sure that he is growing in God too!

Blessings,

Lauren-Mae

Going under-cover.

Muwahahaha!

I couldn’t think of a better title so I thought I’d have some fun with it.

For those of you that might be confused I will elaborate on this later when I have the time. Maybe later today.

Laying in bed this morning I was thinking, How far out on a limb can I go? I can go out so far that when I loose my balance and my arms flail-because I trusted in my own strength- I won’t experience even a second of free-fall because God will catch me.

Oh my.

After doing a little research, I think I might have found one of many roots of my weight problem: Polyphagia. Sometimes known as hyperphagia- is a medical sign meaning excessive hunger and abnormally large intake of solids by mouth.

If you offered food to me 9.999 times out of 10 I would not refuse.

I could have also had BED- Binge Eating Disorder. Signs are eating at a rapid pace, much faster than normal, eats a large amount of food at one sitting,never feeling satisfied after eating and eats even when not hungry. Now those were just some of the symptoms I had. Once in a great while I will find myself resorting back to that mind set.

With amenorrhoea has one of the complications of eating disorder, I know something was up. This is somewhat of a self-diagnosis but hey, one of the first steps to conquering a problem is admitting that you have one.

New total: 56 pounds. I no longer am a member of the Church of Food, God is my reason for life.

Math Equations of my Life.

19 years – 15 years of wandering= 4 years of New Life.

6 immature relationships  = 6 heartbreaks that I did not need.

6 < 1, who is waiting and praying for me just like I am for him.

x= How many times I thought I had my life figured out. Do not solve for x.

x < God’s Will

Pants vs. Skirts= My confusion.

Confusion might be a rather strong, but for lack of better words I’ll use it.

As most of you might already know, I am a “new” Christian. I knew about God my whole life but I talked to God for the first time when I was 15. And now I am 19. I attend a non-denominational church (AND LOVE IT!). I am getting older, I am developing convictions and trying to form who I am. I am pretty sure all of us had been there and if you have not yet then you will!

I started college about a year and a half ago. This was a clean slate for me, I could do what I want without all the kids at school thinking I am even more “out there” then I was. I began to dress differently. I discovered the joys of thrift stores and sales. I bought modest skirts. I think for a mixture of reasons.

• I knew that I was in a bigger world then Western High School.
• The Duggars do it, I wanted to see what it was about, how it felt.
• I was developing myself into a young adult
• It was different. Which was kind of a bad reason since the goal is to not draw attention to yourself.

There are probably more but I can’t think of any.

Now I know I have a lot of friends with a lot of different opinions on this very subject. I have friends that don’t do this, still do this, and used to do this.

I never really came out and declared I was the first time I tried the skirts only thing. I just did it. I don’t remember prayer about it. I don’t recall asking God. I just did it. I think that could be a reason why I started wearing pants again.

I now realize after growing up a bit in the past year  that it is up to me. And I find that kind of scary. Since I know my parents would support me either way, I get those immature thoughts into my head- “What will my friends think?” (which I know my friend’s will love me either way) “What if I don’t impress certain guys?” (which I know that there is only one out there for me, and that he loves me either way as long as I am following Christ) I just need to chase after God. So pray for me. That God’s will be done, whether you agree with my struggle or not.

I want to clear some things up for a quick minute-

1. I am not doing it because I want to be better than others, we all need God just as much as the next person, myself included.
2. We may disagree on this, and that is okay, we can still be friends. I promise! <3
3. I do not look down on those who have different opinions then me.

If you have any questions, I will be happy to answer them to my best ability.

Colossians 3

2nd Timothy 2:15-22

1st Peter 3:3-5a

1st Timothy 2:9-10

Untitled Blog Post.

Life is an amazing thing. The Hand of God is what holds us. It is interesting how terrible things can draw people together, and it is love that ties us altogether. I don’t want to go back to everyday life tomorrow. But, sadly, I have to. Who knew how much you can miss friends and they haven’t even moved away. They are just in a different spot.

Love is a place you will fly to/ Love never fails you

My addiction. CONQUERED.

WARNING: FEMALE BODY FUNCTIONS ARE MENTIONED.

I don’t go into a great amount of detail but it is mentioned. Use your own judgement- Thank you.

This is a section of a paper I wrote for a class at school about my addiction to food.

 

The development of an addiction starts rather slowly. One allows themselves to indulge just a little bit until they allow no restraints on whatever they have choose to satisfy their ‘need’. Mine was food. You need food to live so I didn’t really have a nonuse period. It turned from a liking to a negative mindset. I have always loved food. I remember once hiding a few chocolate in my dresser drawer when I was still in elementary school and I remember eating them one right after the other.

When we would go out to eat I would always want more desert and would eat my meal quicker so I could have some. Then as soon as I got what I wanted I would quickly eat it up without a second thought. As I got older our family would go out to eat at the Chinese buffet quite frequently. At thirteen years old I would begin my ‘eating to excess’. I would have three plates of food and try to fit in desert.

I would get disappointed when I could feel my stomach stretching and hurting from all of the food I was cramming into my body. I knew it meant that I couldn’t hold much more. But it felt so good to eat and so good to taste everything. It was like a drug. Almost worse then a drug because one needs food to live.

When I got into my sophomore year of high school I remember being excited to eat. My parents weren’t around so they could not try to make me feel guilty by eating a lot. The school lunches didn’t help either. Even though they say it was balanced we did have a choice to not eat the food that was good for us. Plus I had access to candy machines.

I was excited for my new found freedom, until my clothes began to fit tighter. I assured myself that it was normal and that I would take care of the few extra pounds later.

HERE IS THE PART I WAS WARNING YOU ABOUT

I found out that taking that mindset is just as bad as being in denial. My monthly menstrual period began to skip to happening every other month. My mom told me that it was normal and that I should worry about it. When I found out that irregular periods were normal I continued to over eat.

Then for parts of my junior year to senior year I went ten months without having a menstrual cycle. At first I thought that my body was just being the imperfect body that I have. But about half way through I told my mom, who then again reassured me it was normal, every month after that I told her. At about the ten month part. She decided to call my doctor.

Throughout this ten month stretch I also had bad cramping in my legs at night. I recall waking up out of a dead sleep not knowing why my legs hurt so bad. So I just took pain killers to try to reduce everything. But they still persisted.

After my mom talked to my doctor she told me that I would have to go to the OB-GYN. She told me what tests they might have to do, I was extremely scared. I didn’t really link my woman problem to my extra bulk, so I could place my finger on the cause of it. This made me very worried. I began jumping to conclusions thinking that I would become barren and not conceive children. One of my life goals is to have a family so this was very heart-breaking for me. It had gotten so bad one time I remember seeing a baby and I would want to cry.

Eventually I made it to the OB-GYN. They had me answer a standard question are. “Are you sexually active?” “Do you smoke?” and so on. Then came the physical tests.

Without going into too much detail, I saw the equipment that they were going to use and began to shake and cry. My doctor understood completely and didn’t go through with it. Later on in the appointment she told me that my irregularity was due to my rapid weight gain.

For the next few years I would struggle to find my perfect weight. At my heaviest I was about 195 pounds. I dropped down to 180 and stayed there for a few months. Still unhappy with my body image. Still jiggling when I walk. My periods started to appear again but with more pain than I have ever experienced.

In August of 2008, I woke up feeling the queasy stomach ache I usually had. I proceeded to take a shower, because I heard that hot showers were good for those type of cramps. I looked at my face in the mirror and began to feel light headed. I got dressed as best I could, quickly told my mom I felt I was going to faint. She rushed me over to Covenant Express. I was in so much pain they had to give me a shot to make me calm down. My body was having trouble adjusting to the positive changes I was making with my eating habits.

At the beginning of college I was about 175. I continued to remain at that weight, still unhappy about the way I looked and felt. And ashamedly I’ll admit I was still struggling with over eating. By the end of my first year of college I was ready for a change. I took a walking class with a friend of mine who was ready for change in her life too. We became accountability partners and by September 2009 I was near 165.

Today I am an extremely smaller 150 pounds. How did I shed the extra pounds so fast? I finally realized what was holding my mind captive for so many years. Food. That was it. I had an addiction and didn’t even know it. I didn’t realize how much I thought about it on a regular basis. How much I could eat, when I could eat, and what I could consume. It was only about a month ago I had been released from this negative mindset.

Now I feel like I am not bound by food anymore. I don’t have trouble resisting temptation. I eat smaller portions, a variety of healthy food, and I am exercising with more vigor. Another way I could have avoided this addiction is by just listening to my body telling me that I am full. Since it does take our stomach about 20-30 minutes to tell our brain it is full, when I began to feel full was actually a sign that I had went over my limit.

I could have avoided years of health problems and emotional turmoil if I wouldhave come to grips with my addiction. Finding out sooner would have saved me the stress I felt when I was beating myself up over ruining my body.

I also give credit to God. He made me. He knows what my perfect weight is. He also knew I was struggling with making food an idol. I really had no idea how bad it was until one day I realized that I thought about food quite a bit more then I should have. I also ate way more then what I needed to survive.

God has been showing me that I do to constantly be full to be happy, and that I do not need to eat in access because He will provide enough food for me to eat the next time I need it.

Anything can become an addiction. Our job is to recognize that even though it may be pleasurable, like eating five different deserts in one sitting, it isn’t always the best for us.

I had bad breath and didn’t know it. Then someone told me.

Have any of your ever had a period in your life that you see no good come out of? That when you reflect back on it all you can see are the very roots of problems that you are now realizing are not just in your head? I am having a hard time dealing with my Middle School years. I was stupid, and gullible. My mind was abused into a twisted obedience, my insecurity was thrust upon me like a ball and chain. Bending over backwards to please the one person who would introduce me to a whole new level of hopelessness.

 

If I didn’t if I bent too far or didn’t bend enough, yikes, watch out. You would find an emotionally distraught girl circling her friend asking and asking but not ever being told what she had done to make her so upset.

 

I am having a hard time with this because I realize most of the way I am and how I treat others sometimes fall back on how I was when I was 12 or 13. I HATE that! I am reading a book called ‘Lady in Waiting: Becoming God’s Best While Waiting for Mr. Right‘ By Jackie Kendall and Debby Jones.I have come to figure out I have way, way, way to many insecurity problems! But I rejoice in the fact that I can actually be my own person and not have to be under the reign of someone who so needed to be in control of someone.

 

Sometimes(mostly once a day) I reflect on my insecurity problems even if it is just for a few seconds. I think it is quite surprising at times. Like someone with bad breath that doesn’t know it. They don’t know that they have bad breath until someone tells them, the same thing with me. I didn’t know until I it was pointed out to me (insecurities not bad breath, ). I didn’t know I was because it was just a part of my normal life.

 

But then I get this attack of sadness when I dwell on the fact that I am basically comparing people to my Middle School friends! Why would I want to do such a thing?! I need to tell myself that I don’t need to be perfect! Why am I dwelling on the stupidity of my pre-teen years?! Maybe it is because I feel like I have no good thing that really impacted my life, maybe I am still looking for that good thing. Maybe it is right in front of me? I don’t need to be perfect! Everyone has something they would like to change, maybe they are better at hiding it then I am, who knows? I don’t need to be perfect! God help me come to grips with that!

 

Thanks for your read.

Hosanna in the highest!

Give us clean hands, give us pure hearts. Lord let us be a generation that seeks, that seeks Your face, O God of Jacob! That is a song that has been in my head lately.

Have you ever witnessed something and just want to cry?

Does something make you so angry you could just weep over it? Has there been a stirring in your heart over the state of our world lately?

Sometimes the questions isn’t “Were you challenged?” The question should be “Were you changed?” Think about it. Are you a fan of Jesus or a follower?

Did you get ordained to entertain?

Or do you serve a higher authority then the pitiful opinions of your oppressors?

Are you set apart for Him or are you still clinging to something that you cannot take with you, but you want it do you whine and cry so you can have your lousy, non-productive way?

Do you base your salvation on a few questions you’ve answered “uh-huh” to or do you ACTUALLY EXPERIENCE SALVATION EVERYDAY?

Do you love your neighbor even when it hurts?

Are you free from bondage? Or do you still dance down the wide way to the rhythm of rusty chains?

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Jesus didn’t come to make bad men good. He came to make dead men live! And if the only reason you repented was to keep out of Hell all you are is just a Levite serving for ten shekels and a shirt. That’s all. You are just trembling because your skin is about to be singed. You have no sense of your insult against deity.

(the last quotes there ^^^ are not mine, fyi, just a compilation of what I’ve heard.)

Just how I’ve been feeling lately. Sometimes I don’t think the Church has a realization of the Living God, who knows your thoughts and intentions and motives. I’m not trying to get on a “legalistic-holy-high-horse”, even though I have been called legalistic in the past and it hurts. Especially when the person (is,was) close to you. I’m not here to put down. This isn’t what this blog is here for.  

I hate injustice and separation that we have in denominations. When does the Bible say that Catholoism, Lutheranism, Methodism, Calvinism, Non-denominationalisticism-WHATEVER, is the ONLY WAY. If you believe that there is only one denomination to God you are probably reading the wrong Bible. And if you would like to prove this statement wrong then start looking in your Bible and show me what denomination the saved sinners have to be in to get to see God. Last time I checked Jesus was the only way.