Mar9
Category Archives: Humor
May8
A Book Report…
Jan5
Warning Labels that make me question today’ society.
On a blanket from Taiwan: Not to be used as protection from a tornado.
Warning on fireplace log: Caution — Risk of Fire.
A warning on a pair of shin guards manufactured for bicyclists: Shin pads cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.
Warning on an electric router made for carpenters: This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
On a bottle of shampoo for dogs: Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
On a hair dryer: Do not use in shower.
On Marks & Spencer bread pudding: Product will be hot after heating.
On a string of Chinese made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only.
On Sainsbury’s peanuts: Warning: Contains nuts.
On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions – open packet, eat nuts.
On some frozen dinners: Serving suggestion: defrost.
On a hotel provided shower cap: Fits one head.
On Nytol Nighttime Sleep-Aid: Warning: May cause drowsiness.
Warning on a cartridge for a laser printer: Do not eat toner.
A wheel 13″ a wheelbarrow warns: Not for highway use.
Can of self-defense pepper spray warns: May irritate eyes.
Warning on a Conair Pro Style 1600 hair dryer: Never use while sleeping.
Silly Putty package warning: Not for use as earplugs.
On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Baby stroller warning: Remove child before folding.
Household iron warns: Never iron clothes while they are being worn.
A fireplace lighter cautions: Do not use near fire, flame or sparks.
A handheld massager warns consumers: Don’t use while sleeping or unconscious.
Warning on underarm deodorant: Do not spray in eyes.
Cardboard car sun shield that keeps sun off the dashboards warns: Do not drive with sun shield in place.
Warning on a sharpening stone: Knives are sharp.
Bottle water label warns: Twist top off with hands. Throw top away. Do not put top in mouth.
On a box or rat poison: Warning: Has been found to cause cancer in laboratory mice.
On a Domino’s Pizza box: Caution: Contents hot!
Toilet bowl cleaning brush warns: Do not use orally.
An electric cattle prods warns: For use on animals only
A can of air freshener warns: Keep out of reach of children and teenagers
Cheap rubber ball toy warning: Choking hazard: This toy is a small ball.
Caution on a package of dice: Not for human consumption.
In the manual of a chainsaw: Do not attempt to stop the blade with your hand.
Stamped on the barrel of a .22 caliber rifle: Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.
Instructions for an electric thermometer: Do not use orally after using rectally.
On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack: Remove plastic before eating.
A TV remote controller warns: Not dishwasher safe.
Aug13
A dose of nostailgia.
Here is a dose of nostailgia from the 90′s after-school cartoons.
It’s too loud! – I want to flush it again!
Jul15
Future Auctioneer.
Jun14
Facebook Flair
Amnesia and deja vu are pretty much the same thing…I have the feeling like I have forgotten that before.
3 out of 4 people are insane, look at three of your best friends. If it is not them…it’s you.
To all the hunters who killed animals for food, shame on you. You should have gone to the store to buy meat, so no animals would be harmed.
Smile, it warms up your embouchure.
Instructions on the automatic motion hand dryers in the bathroom. 1. Push button 2. Recieve bacon.
I think I am allergic to morning.
Immature spells I’m Mature.
Have you read my bestseller?- God
If life gives you lemons throw them back and demand chocolate.
And if life gives you ONLY lemons then your lemonade is going to be gross!
Of course I am out of my mind…it’s dark and scary in there!
Ever wonder why bologna and lasanga never rhyme?
Emergency signs: In case of emergency run like this!
I didn’t trip you I just enhanced your relationship wit the ground.
I didn’t slap you, I just high-fived your face!
If you can’t fix it with duct tape then you haven’t used enough!
Life is too short to wear boring socks.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Fortune cookie fortune: “That wasn’t chicken.”
The School of Redundancy School
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got into my pajamas I’ll never know!
I am the future of America, be afraid…be very afraid.
Never confuse the will of the majority with the will of God.
Abortion is the ultimate denial of human rights
Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, faith looks up.
When life gives you lemons, make grape juice, then sit back and watch the world wonder how you did it.
May25
My Unrealistic Birthday Wishlist.
My birthday is coming up in August. Since I don’t have anything planned I thought I would make fun and create a wishlist. Pardon my random.
- Cheesecake
- $1,045.23
- My own house
- Flip-flops that I keep forgetting to buy
- More picture frames
- The planet Saturn
- Chickens
- New(er) car. Nothing fancy, just more recent. The kind of car that gets me from point A to B and back again without any trouble.
- A trip to the UP
- Shelves for all my books that are currently stacked on my desk
- A fan
- Ice cream, the cherry kind because it makes my back feel better haha
- A water bottle
- Skirts that are light and that fit my properly.
- Lessons on things that matter
- A good use for leftover dryer lint
May22
Kids Say…
Apr7
Quick!
Mar18
If you have any questions please refer to the enclosed instruction book.
This has nothing to do with my post but I thought I would share it with you, last night I had a dream that all my skirts turned into pants. It was a sad dream.
_________________________________
Boy, did you get a good deal.
Page 1.
Congratulations, your have just purchased your first Lauren-Mae!
To fulfill your Lauren-Mae enjoyment please refer to the enclosed instruction book.
_____________________________________________
How to care for your Lauren-Mae
Besides the essentials one needs to survive, your Lauren-Mae has special needs.
- coffee
- cheesecake
- Orbit’s Gum
- A full tank of gas
- penguin slippers
- Burt’s Bee’s Grapefruit and Sugar beet shampoo
- Any Selah CD
These are just the basics, be prepared for more outrageous requests.
_____________________________________________
Signs that your Lauren-Mae is tired.
Few have seen the following. Be prepared. These might frighten you, or at least give you a good laugh. What ever comes first.
- announcing the current thoughts in her head to nobody in particular
- taking normal phrases and turning them into strange statements.
- e.g. “I am hungry.” turns into “My face needs food.”
- quoting from children’s movies, YouTube videos, songs, or just ones that she can pull out of thin air
- e.g. “Hey Ice King, stop it!” “Have you seen my snow-goat?” “I am a bell!”
- she will laugh, quite uncontrollably.
- silliness is a major symptom
- she will use sarcasm and talk back to the television or radio.
If you decide to take your Lauren-Mae on a trip, beware.
Once your Lauren-Mae is tired it may be difficult to have a productive conversation with her. She will try but despite her efforts she will have unstructured sentences and poor grammar. No need for correction, most of the time she will be aware. Options for this situation include-
- patiently allowing her to finish her statement, which usually ends with, “Well, whatever.” or “You know what I mean.”
- Just drop the conversation, and smile.
_____________________________________________
Don’t allow your Lauren-Mae to stay up too late, this may cause the zombie stage to set in. To witness and understand the zombie stage take all that is listed above and multiply them by at least ten. It will take one day for your Lauren-Mae to recuperate. Only a few have seen their Lauren-Mae at such a stage as this.
_____________________________________________
Exercising Your Lauren-Mae
Your Lauren-Mae needs excercise. Allow her to use your elliptical, treadmill or if there is not such equipment available take her to a thrift store.
