Beauty is not how skinny you can be.

Polyphagia: My little rain cloud.

Health and weightloss update:

Near to a month ago, I self-diagnosed myself of polyphiga. For those of you who don’t know what that is, it is basically the opposite of anorexia, more like bulimia except you keep your food down. So basically a binge eating disorder.

Anyways, I have been like this most of my life. But more so in my teen years. We would go out to eat and I would have up to three very full plates of food and make myself eat dessert. I loved the way everything tasted. It was similar to a drug. I would keep going my body would tell me that it was over stuffed and I would be dissapointed because I could eat any more food that tasted so good.

I fluctuate in the weight department between loosing three pounds then gaining it back.  I think about it everytime I eat. I know that I need to not make it control me, and I haven’t gotten to a point where I feel huge at all like I did what I was almost 200 pounds. Thankfully when I stand up I don’t need to wait for my body to catch up with me. I would like to add that I will not be that heavy again unless when I get really frail and I can’t excerise.

 I do not want to develop this fear of food that can so easily slip into our weak minds.

For those of you who have no inner quarrels with yourself about food, you probably cannot relate. Try picturing yourself under the control of a staple in life. An essential for survival.

You can’t live without it, and you like it so much. You have to taste everything, because it tastes so good you eat it in larger and larger amounts. You eat it so quickly because it tastes good your body cannot register whether it is full or not so you eat until you are bursting then you eat more until you make yourself feel huge. Then you wait awhile then go back and eat more, and more until you can’t take it.  

When should I eat? How much have I eatten today? Do I need to take it easy tommorow? Little questions like that, they pop in and out of my head. 

I’m going strong, but still need prayer.

Psalm 84:11

¹¹ For the LORD God is a sun and shield;
       the LORD bestows favor and honor;
       no good thing does he withhold
       from those whose walk is blameless.

Oh my.

After doing a little research, I think I might have found one of many roots of my weight problem: Polyphagia. Sometimes known as hyperphagia- is a medical sign meaning excessive hunger and abnormally large intake of solids by mouth.

If you offered food to me 9.999 times out of 10 I would not refuse.

I could have also had BED- Binge Eating Disorder. Signs are eating at a rapid pace, much faster than normal, eats a large amount of food at one sitting,never feeling satisfied after eating and eats even when not hungry. Now those were just some of the symptoms I had. Once in a great while I will find myself resorting back to that mind set.

With amenorrhoea has one of the complications of eating disorder, I know something was up. This is somewhat of a self-diagnosis but hey, one of the first steps to conquering a problem is admitting that you have one.

New total: 56 pounds. I no longer am a member of the Church of Food, God is my reason for life.

Light as a…feather?

55 pound mark was hit this morning. Just a quick update.

Inch by inch.

In the Spring/Summer semester I was about 25 pounds heavier then I am now.

Chest- 4.3 inches lost

Bicep -2 inches lost

Waist – 4 inches lost

Hips – 4.7 inches lost

Thigh- 2.6 inches lost

This totals to to about 18 inches lost!

Thank you for your support.

Praise God.

My addiction. CONQUERED.

WARNING: FEMALE BODY FUNCTIONS ARE MENTIONED.

I don’t go into a great amount of detail but it is mentioned. Use your own judgement- Thank you.

This is a section of a paper I wrote for a class at school about my addiction to food.

 

The development of an addiction starts rather slowly. One allows themselves to indulge just a little bit until they allow no restraints on whatever they have choose to satisfy their ‘need’. Mine was food. You need food to live so I didn’t really have a nonuse period. It turned from a liking to a negative mindset. I have always loved food. I remember once hiding a few chocolate in my dresser drawer when I was still in elementary school and I remember eating them one right after the other.

When we would go out to eat I would always want more desert and would eat my meal quicker so I could have some. Then as soon as I got what I wanted I would quickly eat it up without a second thought. As I got older our family would go out to eat at the Chinese buffet quite frequently. At thirteen years old I would begin my ‘eating to excess’. I would have three plates of food and try to fit in desert.

I would get disappointed when I could feel my stomach stretching and hurting from all of the food I was cramming into my body. I knew it meant that I couldn’t hold much more. But it felt so good to eat and so good to taste everything. It was like a drug. Almost worse then a drug because one needs food to live.

When I got into my sophomore year of high school I remember being excited to eat. My parents weren’t around so they could not try to make me feel guilty by eating a lot. The school lunches didn’t help either. Even though they say it was balanced we did have a choice to not eat the food that was good for us. Plus I had access to candy machines.

I was excited for my new found freedom, until my clothes began to fit tighter. I assured myself that it was normal and that I would take care of the few extra pounds later.

HERE IS THE PART I WAS WARNING YOU ABOUT

I found out that taking that mindset is just as bad as being in denial. My monthly menstrual period began to skip to happening every other month. My mom told me that it was normal and that I should worry about it. When I found out that irregular periods were normal I continued to over eat.

Then for parts of my junior year to senior year I went ten months without having a menstrual cycle. At first I thought that my body was just being the imperfect body that I have. But about half way through I told my mom, who then again reassured me it was normal, every month after that I told her. At about the ten month part. She decided to call my doctor.

Throughout this ten month stretch I also had bad cramping in my legs at night. I recall waking up out of a dead sleep not knowing why my legs hurt so bad. So I just took pain killers to try to reduce everything. But they still persisted.

After my mom talked to my doctor she told me that I would have to go to the OB-GYN. She told me what tests they might have to do, I was extremely scared. I didn’t really link my woman problem to my extra bulk, so I could place my finger on the cause of it. This made me very worried. I began jumping to conclusions thinking that I would become barren and not conceive children. One of my life goals is to have a family so this was very heart-breaking for me. It had gotten so bad one time I remember seeing a baby and I would want to cry.

Eventually I made it to the OB-GYN. They had me answer a standard question are. “Are you sexually active?” “Do you smoke?” and so on. Then came the physical tests.

Without going into too much detail, I saw the equipment that they were going to use and began to shake and cry. My doctor understood completely and didn’t go through with it. Later on in the appointment she told me that my irregularity was due to my rapid weight gain.

For the next few years I would struggle to find my perfect weight. At my heaviest I was about 195 pounds. I dropped down to 180 and stayed there for a few months. Still unhappy with my body image. Still jiggling when I walk. My periods started to appear again but with more pain than I have ever experienced.

In August of 2008, I woke up feeling the queasy stomach ache I usually had. I proceeded to take a shower, because I heard that hot showers were good for those type of cramps. I looked at my face in the mirror and began to feel light headed. I got dressed as best I could, quickly told my mom I felt I was going to faint. She rushed me over to Covenant Express. I was in so much pain they had to give me a shot to make me calm down. My body was having trouble adjusting to the positive changes I was making with my eating habits.

At the beginning of college I was about 175. I continued to remain at that weight, still unhappy about the way I looked and felt. And ashamedly I’ll admit I was still struggling with over eating. By the end of my first year of college I was ready for a change. I took a walking class with a friend of mine who was ready for change in her life too. We became accountability partners and by September 2009 I was near 165.

Today I am an extremely smaller 150 pounds. How did I shed the extra pounds so fast? I finally realized what was holding my mind captive for so many years. Food. That was it. I had an addiction and didn’t even know it. I didn’t realize how much I thought about it on a regular basis. How much I could eat, when I could eat, and what I could consume. It was only about a month ago I had been released from this negative mindset.

Now I feel like I am not bound by food anymore. I don’t have trouble resisting temptation. I eat smaller portions, a variety of healthy food, and I am exercising with more vigor. Another way I could have avoided this addiction is by just listening to my body telling me that I am full. Since it does take our stomach about 20-30 minutes to tell our brain it is full, when I began to feel full was actually a sign that I had went over my limit.

I could have avoided years of health problems and emotional turmoil if I wouldhave come to grips with my addiction. Finding out sooner would have saved me the stress I felt when I was beating myself up over ruining my body.

I also give credit to God. He made me. He knows what my perfect weight is. He also knew I was struggling with making food an idol. I really had no idea how bad it was until one day I realized that I thought about food quite a bit more then I should have. I also ate way more then what I needed to survive.

God has been showing me that I do to constantly be full to be happy, and that I do not need to eat in access because He will provide enough food for me to eat the next time I need it.

Anything can become an addiction. Our job is to recognize that even though it may be pleasurable, like eating five different deserts in one sitting, it isn’t always the best for us.

Yay!

Two more pounds! Just an update.

 

God Bless!

Why am I so restless?

For some it looks like it comes so easy. For some it looks like everything shows up and falls into their lap. Why is everything moving so slow? Why am I so restless? God help me with the events in my life I cannot forsee, help me be patient while I wait for my life to move forward even more! Help me use this time in my life to glorify you before you send me on my way to do what I’m called to do.

Busy weekend!

So, my Facebook Fast has been going pretty good. I feel more freedom and I actually have time for things!

Wendsday started my weekend somewhat.

 

We lost a dear saint from our congregation. Linda, had cancer for a very long time. She got to see Jesus Wendsday morning. She is free from her body and the pain that she was in. And from what I unerstand she was in terrible pain constantly. She never lost sight of the Lord, who she loves. She gets to spend Easter in Heaven.

I found out about her passing Wendsday afternoon, I left my phone at home on the charger by accident, but it was probably for my benefit because I don’t know how I would have acted if I found out at school.

Maundy Thursday was good. It was just a nice time of reflection.

On Good Friday, instead of a traditional service we held “The Stations of the Cross” is was a “self-leading” tour of the different stages leading up to the crucifixtion (SP?) of Jesus and the later events until He went back to Heaven.

 After that I went to Meijers and bought a couple new shirts and some STUFF (Hannah, would only get that haha.) for the Roy’s house. I made these strawberry thingies with whipped cream, chocolate syrup and a little cookie thing on top. They were very pretty. After we were finished eating we stuffed two totes of Easter Eggs for the next days Easter Egg Hunt.

 Jenni and Stephen were in town. Jenni is due in July (I’m 98% sure!) I got to feel the baby kick! I never felt a baby kick before. It was so cool.

Faith and I ended up going to her room and talking until about midnight when Stephen and Jenni had to go to bed. 

I managed to get this Saturday off (thanks to Lisa who covered my shift, God bless her!) Linda’s funeral was this morning. I thought my last memory of her would be of her telling me how pretty I was the last time I seen her before I died. But I seen her today before her service, the coffin (which was very pretty) was open. She was so pretty! Lance (who works at the funeral home) wouldn’t let anyone else do her make-up. He wanted her to look like Linda (bless his heart!). I thought that was very nice.

After the funeral I went back to the Harris’ house. Amanda cleaned out her car and the kids played.  Then we had the Easter Egg Hunt! I helped my friend Becky with two special needs boys, Frankie and Lawson. I had met Frankie before so I helped more with him. The boys really enjoyed themselves.

I’m trying to get o the tredmill more. The weight I lost over the summer I’m starting to gain back. *tear*. But I can do ANYTHING throught Christ who strengthens me! (Phil. 4:13) I need to get this extra weight off if I want to have a healthy life and future! Some of you might disagree with me on my weigh, but FYI I’m very good and hiding it haha.

But in seriousness here, for a portion of my Senior year of High School I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to have children. I thought I did this to myself, because I had stopped caring what I put in my mouth and gained weight and a rather fast clip, I was feeling rather guilty. Most of you know I love children and would like to have my own someday (after I get a husband,  hey, lets do things in the correct order here   ). So if you hear me talking about this no I’m not going on a “self-image-hating” diet. I think it our responsibilty to care for the bodies that God has intrusted us with.

 

Happy Easter!

(hey, sidenote, can you comment or tell me if you read this? i want a head count:P)

There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever and not for better
Some are gone and some remain
All these places have their moments
With people and friends I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
But in my life, I loved them all
But of all these friends and loved ones
There is no one compares with you
And these memories lose their meaning
When I think of love as something new
Though I know I’ll never lose affection
For people and friends that went before
I know I’ll often stop and think about them
But in my life I loved you more
Soon we’ll come to the end of life’s journey
And perhaps we’ll never meet anymore
Till we gather in heaven’s bright city
Far away on that beautiful shore
If we never meet again this side of heaven
As we struggle through this world and its strife
There’s another meeting place somewhere in heaven
By the beautiful river of life
Where the charming roses bloom forever
And separations come no more
If we never meet again this side of heaven
I will meet you on that beautiful shore